Layin 'em down.

So I teach two lectures on the book of Acts starting Friday and then again on Monday and it has been a battle to study and prepare for those 6 hours. If I am going to be honest I have to tell you that the past month has been a battle. For the past month I feel like I have just fought with God on everything in my life right now. Whenever there was a decision that needed to be made what I wanted to do was the complete opposite from what I felt like God wanted me to do. When I made the choice to do what I wanted, there was peace for a minute until God reminded me that I was supposed to take a right instead of the left. When I made a choice to do what I felt like God had asked me to do, there wasn’t any peace at all because it wasn’t want I wanted and I was upset about that. For the past month there have been tears shed, frustrations and times of prayer where I have just been honest with God about how frustrated I am with him. The past month has left me tired, mad and out of it mentally. I am sure that I haven’t been much fun to be around.

It wasn’t until I started studying the movement of the Holy Spirit and the preaching by the apostles within the book of Acts for my lecture that I figured out why this month has been so hard. It’s been so hard because the expectations I had for my life don’t match up with the reality. This revelation came to me as I was looking at Acts 1:6-8 which says, ⁶ So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, is this the time when you will restore the kingdom to Israel?” ⁷ He replied, “It is not for you to know the times or periods that the Father has set by his own authority. ⁸ But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” In these verses Jesus’ disciples are asking him when the Kingdom is going to be restored to Israel and as they do this they are thinking it is going to be something very physical. They are expecting the Romans to be overthrown, kicked out of the nation of Israel and that the Messiah will reign as king and leader of the people. This is what the disciples were looking for and what they were expecting, but that is not what the Messiah’s kingdom was going to look like. His kingdom was something very different. It was spiritual not physical and the enemy was sin and not the Romans. But since this was their focus, Jesus responds by telling them that they are not to worry about the fulfillment of their expectations, but instead they should lay down those expectations and be ready to do what God has placed before them to do. And for the apostles it was to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to spread the gospel of Jesus throughout the Roman Empire and facilitate the starting of the church. (I am one who is pretty happy they obeyed)

These verses hit me like a dump truck because I was in the apostles’ shoes. I was hanging on to expectations for what I thought was going to happen in my life and wasn’t willing to come to grips with where I was and what that God has asked me to do. For the past month God has been challenging me to lay down my expectations and then destroying things when I wouldn’t and try to take matters into my own hands. It’s been so rough because I haven’t wanted to give in. Finally God broke through in a way that I understood … he spoke into my Bible-nerdness. He has asked me to lay down my expectations and follow him. He has asked me to not worry about desires in my heart, but to trust him and focus on the task that is before me and that task is being present and active within the community at the ESBS.

I know that he is a loving God that I can trust with everything and I know that is true because … Well he is in charge of everything. I know that this is a time where I can grow in my trust and dependence of him. And so I guess Jesus this is me laying ‘em down as best I know how. In the deepest part of my heart I really don’t want what I want out of life, but I want what you have for me. I know that it might not look conventional or glorious, but that’s ok. I know where you are leading me is for your glory and not my own, and that is what I truly desire. I want to see you exalted and I want to see your name proclaimed. I want my happiness to be found in doing what you have asked me to do. I trust you and I was to be obedient.